January 22, 2018

Something to Ponder


I'm entering 4th semester soon, and my parents are already lecturing on how I should start researching for scholarships and universities' requirements for a Diploma graduate to pursue a Degree, overseas. As you all know, MUET is not recognized worldwide, so I NEED to take IELTS or TOEFL if I want to go abroad.

The thing is, I haven't considered if I ACTUALLY want to pursue my studies in Actuarial Science, overseas. Studying abroad has always been a dream; playing snow during winter, exploring great places in the country, snapping beautiful four seasons' sceneries with my own DSLR (soon). It would be a lie if I say I didn't envy Hazman. His life sure went his own way, that's SUPER great, and it makes me want to achieve mine too. I was a bit jealous when my parents went to visit him -- I didn't tag along due to finals 😭 -- but a part of me don't want. Is it because I'm afraid I'll flop when I'm there?

People think I'm intelligent. I do, too, but these days, I feel like I am just a normal being with normal capabilities with no special talent(?) Is it because I've been slacking these few years? Someone needs to knock me out of my sense back. The funny thing is, my competitive self is still in me; I get disappointed when I'm lower than someone, I get excited when I'm the highest -- this is not me being ungrateful, it's just self-satisfaction, which is one of the needs in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (yes, Hani, I study this too 😜). You know, that feeling of realizing you've changed, like, a lot. I think I've lost my momentum.

Mama shared about Hazman; he's planning on buying a few houses for home stays, he didn't use much of his scholarship and saved up a lot. I like how passionate and optimistic my brother is. He's just wayyy different than me 😂😂😂 I spend and buy a lot (only Ena knows how much I spent, gosh I need a finance advisor), and don't even have any future plans except doing part-time photography, let's see if this goes my way too, huh? 😐

All in all, I hope I could find myself in another 2 years (I need to make my choice for my degree soon). To whom it may concern, let's all do our best and enjoy the moments, will you? 😉 Best of luck from the girl who is still lost in her own world.